It’s been a while, my dear readers, and my life has made a total one-eighty since my last post. A month ago, I was insanely happy, writing about Rupert Brooke, my students did amazing on their reading standardized test, and to my most surprise, I started seeing the most wonderful man. This last change in my life came out of nowhere, but I thank God for this unexpected and brilliant blessing. It’s a fledgling relationship - it’s still so new, and we’re just trying to get to know each other at this point. It, however, is so nice to have someone who truly believes that my dreams are worth pursuing…and doesn’t have doubts in my talents and abilities.

Unfortunately, not everyone in my family sees these qualities in this man. This, combined with other things I am apparently, doing wrong in my life, has persuaded me to leave home and start anew. It is time for me to live my life. Is this man the absolute reason I’m leaving? No. I am twenty-seven years old and need to worry about me. I need to be able to make my own decisions and choices. I am naturally a people pleaser - I’ve always been like this. It’s a shortcoming, I realize, as I approach thirty…because I need to be strong enough to defend myself as I continue my adulthood. I need to stand up for myself and learn how to say “no.” I shouldn’t have to worry about disappointing or upsetting people by using the word no. I want to be able to date whomever I wish, come and go from home as I please, and pursue my teaching career without being criticized. It is time for me to be a little selfish and think about my life. If I don’t, any confidence I still have in myself will only disappear.

This realization doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less to pack away two bookcases worth of history books. I felt as if though I was packing away a part of me - books have always been a piece of my identity. My heart was breaking as I carefully organized my familiar historians; Kershaw, Kotkin, Overy, Coogan, etc. by their historical specialty (no lie: I seriously have a box labeled “postcolonial studies”) into drab cardboard boxes. I don’t have enough room where I am going to have bookshelves. They will be going into temporary storage while I settle into my new life. I have to be optimistic and realize that I am not hiding my identity by putting away my favorite books - I have to do it, just temporarily, to help me strengthen it.

I’m sure you can imagine that I must have a million different thoughts and anxieties bouncing around in my head as I make sense of this abrupt change. I didn’t think an innocent relationship would spark the need for me to leave home. I thought I’d get to continue my life as it was, just enjoying this man’s company, finishing off my first year of teaching, and being with my family. I was 100% wrong, and as a result, I’m absolutely not myself. I find myself worrying so much about everything, including him. I get scared that if one day he doesn’t want to see me, it just means he wants nothing at all to do with me. I shouldn’t think that, because if we were seeing each other every day, we would get sick of the constant company. I shouldn’t think that because it is not in his nature to be uncaring. He’s the most empathetic and faithful man I’ve had the pleasure of knowing, but this situation I’m in isn’t allowing me to think straight and logically. He promised me, before things between us really developed, that he would do his best to be the nicest to me - to trust him. There is no reason I shouldn’t believe in his promise. I want nothing more than to hold on to that promise, because I really do trust his good and God-fearing nature.

“All things must pass
None of life’s strings can last
So I must be on my way
And face another day”

— George Harrison, from "All Things Must Pass"

To be candid: I’ve been an asshole, and he doesn’t deserve that. I need to just take a deep breath and take each day with him as it comes. It doesn’t matter in what form he’s in - text, voice, in person, in my dreams…I know he’s there. I know I can and should rely on him, because I do believe in his simple promise to trust him. That’s all I could ever want from someone I’m seeing. Gifts and gestures are nothing to me - I prefer promises and words.

If you are reading this, please do know that I am sorry for being a burden, because that is the last thing I have wanted to be to you.

I am stronger that I am giving myself credit for, and I know I can stand up on my own. I know I can make it through this tough time. God is guiding me because this is His plan. The only plan I want to follow is God’s. Not my father’s. Not my mother’s - just God’s. I may not feel like a history nerd without my favorite books at my finger tips, but this is only temporary. I’ll be reunited with those books soon. My family will, if not accept, but hopefully respect my decisions one day. I’ll move into my new place and be independent. I will continue to believe in his promise as we get to know each other and take it slow.

I’ve been thinking about the adage “this, too, shall pass” as I get through this crazy time. It’s been helping me every day, but then I was reminded about the song “All Things Must Pass” from the eponymous solo album by George Harrison. I think this phrase is better applied to my situation. It’s not just one thing I’m fighting - it’s several of them - and it’s true. I’ll come out stronger. I’ll emerge victorious…because all things must (and will) pass.

Many happy returns,

-Kate